Satan, Satana, & the Christian Circle of Hell

Satan, Satana, & the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Christian Circle of Hell  

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   Satan & Satana surveyed the special Circle of Hell reserved for Christians. Yes, all of them, every last one. The blatant hypocrites fell down the Gone to Hell Chute, but the ones who didn’t shriek out against the insidiously vicious hypocrisies became Hell Dwellers as well.

   Satana sighed. “All religions enslave and enslaver the mind, the heart,” she said as she nuzzled Satan’s red, leathery ear, “but seeing as we get the refuse from all over the Dimension, I’m still agogagog at how poisonous the faux-holy Christians became after they made their cursed pact with Power.”

   Christians are so virulent and fetid that they actually have to be separated from the rest of Hell’s Dwellers – because an eternity of conscious torment is one thing, but an eternity with Christians is cruel & unusual punishment for even the zealously villainous of other stripes.

   Nothing, and we mean nothing, is more annoying and hellworthy than pious drips who hector you with their petty and oleaginous moralities. This nasty pox of a bilious religion doesn’t even have a lively story to bribe you into pretending to heed its creed. It would have been toxic enough to let them stew in their own juices. And making them re-eat their own vomit was their daily, well, bread. But it was Satana who struck upon the genius notion of piping in the secret flatulences from the boudoirs of America.

   Americans were so overfed in a starving world that their secret outgassing production could have cut their fossil fuel consumption in half if they could just be taught to outgas into special collection canisters. Breaking-wind alternative-fuel could outdistance the hilltop windfarms by far.

   Hell with its advanced vapor technologies had no trouble whatever collecting these chartreuse bubbles of stench gassed off in private by the prim suburban masses across America. The belchings were left to Heaven.

   No one in the Christian Circles of Hell was allowed to get a cold.

   Why were Christians so worse? They ranged from ferocious and quite ceaseless conviction that they had the Exclusive True Word to a passive belligerence that quite quelled Mirth. All the monotheisms were staggeringly humorless. The Bible and the Koran were not vaudevillian tracts.

   It was Satana who instituted the program whereby innocent folks who had been bludgeoned & beleaguered by Christian faux pieties and authentic hypocrisies could donate flatulence to further the stench spectrum of torment inflicted upon the dead Christians, a sect who had allowed, when not promoting, tax cuts to the fatter-than-camels gigagreedy HaveMosts. This Flatulence Bank was very popular. Bean futures rose. If God could have been bothered, he would have beat off and sent a perpetual rain of bitter seed down upon these overweening whiners who allowed people to be poor while the war machines were gloatingly, bloatingly fed and polished. Each war machine had a phalanx of servants while the poor had crusts. It was damnable. And, indeed, it turned out to be so.

   There wasn’t enough standing that could be blown up, so vast were the warehouses of bullets and bombs. Yet the Christians all sang the Star Spangled Banner, Hosanna, and said Amen to the rocket’s red glare. They did(patronizingly)pray for the poor, as if the poor could eat prayers.

  They would not give the poor food, shelter, medicine, or education except the most meager, but they did give them loaves-and-fishes amounts of fear with sides of trepidation.

   There were two things in America that no one dared speak against: virulent Christian hypocrisy and the $820,000 per minute Military Budget. Hell got them and treated them as they had earned, but it would have been twice as nice if the AboveGrounds had woken up and spoken up. Christian kebabs in Hell didn’t make up for the deluges of humorless pieties (a tautology) and pitiless worship of warships and of explosives in phallic shipping containers.

   Satana shrugged and ughed and stamped her cloven hoof. “Hell is failing to roast these people hot enough, pitchfork these people piercingly enough, vapor these people stenchily enough. We simply have insufficient retribution devices and schemes to make them pay enough. Eternity is too short.”

  Satan gave Satana's pointed tail a tender tug and patted her consolingly on her red rump.



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9 Night . Akbal . Hearth . West . tzol 242  01.30.06 mon



the education-obsessed world begins today with you ..

.. let’s spend the $820,000 per minute Military Budget on education instead


3 thoughts on “Satan, Satana, & the Christian Circle of Hell

  1. One longs to contribute some methane to that cause!
    I did think in my romaine and vinaigrette days that we'd be post-religion by now. What a pestilence of illwill it all foments.
    We more or less got over visible chattel slavery, but the soul remains under the unblinking gaze of the OverSeer.
    In so far as one can stand the bleakness and the blackness of it, the variety of writhing excuses that are made for the crumbs of favor, if any, perplexingly dispensed by the Omnipotence are in a ghoulish way fascinating.

  2. What turned Camus wrenchingly & irrevocably aside was the idea of any Deity who could permit a child to be beset with the buboes of plague. (Buboes are the lymph gland-infesting, huge boils of plague.)
    One could conceive of a louse of a God who required filthy tests of adults perhaps, but we hate humans who hurt children — why would we give such a God a pass?

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